June 24, 2014

Birthday thoughts.

Just another day, nothing new. If anything it’s lonelier and full of depression. My birthday has never been something worth celebrating. Nothing special. One year, an old friend bought me a cake and had all our (then) friends surprise me at my house to sing happy birthday. All because she knew how much I hated the twenty-fourth of June. We’re no longer friends, so those gestures no longer happen. No one ever goes out of their way to do anything special, not that I expect anyone to. But it’s annoying when people ask why I’m all sad when it’s blatantly obvious. It’s just another day. People see it’s my birthday on Facebook, they greet me. People post embarrassing photos, awesome. People pretend they actually give a fuck. And then there’s the people who forgot it was my birthday. Oh yeah, those are my favorite. No biggie though.

The twenty-fourth of June will never be something amazing. Never celebrated. Like who is actually thankful for this day? Seriously…. People just say “Happy Birthday” because it’s the kind gesture that’s expected. Like think about it…. WHO REALLY GIVES A SHIT THAT IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY? Who’s willing to go out of their way to make you feel special? Who’s the one that makes that day focused on the sole thankfulness that you’re in their life? No one. Not me at least. My parents used to do that, and then we grew apart. I no longer speak to the lady who gave birth to me. My father probably forgot, it’s kinda tradition. So it’s pretty much whatever.

I’m thankful to be here despite everything above. Definitely grateful for another year. Definitely blessed, just not in the right place right now.

xx

the expected disappointment

June 22, 2014

Who wants that perfect love story anyway? Cliché, cliché, cliché… We fuss, we fight, we argue and we bicker. Some things never change. One thing that will never change is us. You and I won’t ever change. The way we go about things probably will, but you and I never will. Being a whole will never change. I got you day and night. Those nights where you feel like everything around you is tumbling down, I’m gonna be the one to keep you safe. Those days you have exceeded yourself, I’m gonna be there to boost you even higher. I want you to see yourself the way I see you, just like how you want me to see me the way you do. If it was possible to express how I feel completely, in words, I would. Oh, trust me, I would. But I really don’t feel like the way I feel can even amount to words. I can take the moon out of the sky and paste it here but it still wouldn’t amount to it. I can spin the world on my finger, just to show how much you make my world go round- but even then, I wouldn’t be able to spin it fast enough and the view from here just wouldn’t be the same. I can tell the world over and over how much you mean to me, but they won’t ever understand. They don’t feel what I feel.

I love you ssssooooooo much!!!!!!!!!! It’s as simple as that

June 21, 2014

Who fucking cares, right? People will keep doing shit, no matter how many times you voice how much you hate it. They’re going to keep doing what they’re doing. No fucks given. I’m so done expecting shit from people. I’m just going to let shit ride. It is what it is. What you give is what you get. 

June 16, 2014

I don’t know what to do anymore. Those simple words made me question everything. I feel myself withdrawing myself. Putting my guard up. I don’t know what to do. I just wish these feelings would go away. I find myself gripping myself, because I know I’m about to lose it. I can feel myself losing control. I read these letters, just to reassure myself that everything will be okay… But it’s not enough… It doesn’t change this emptiness. What ever happened to that sunshine? I hate what’s going through my mind. I’m losing it. 

June 12, 2014

Things sure feel different nowadays. Running out of things to talk about. Holding back on a lot of things because conversations always get cut short. No one ever said it would be like this. 

June 10, 2014

thought #1

♫ Baby, I see you working hard. I want to let you know that I’m proud, let you know that I admire what you do. If I need to reassure you, my life would be purposeless without you. You inspire me to be better. Challenge me for the better. Inspire me from the heart. Can’t nothing tear us apart. You’re all I want in a man; I put my life in your hands. I just want to take the stress away from you. Through the good, the bad, the ups and the downs, I’ll still be here for you.

thought #2

I am madly in love with you. 

June 09, 2014

thought #1

The art of bottling up your emotions. It’s crazy how I’m able to say that I feel just fine but really everything within me is tumbling down and bursting into a million pieces. Heck, if I can do it, just imagine the people around me. The shit that goes through their mind. Or what if it’s only me who thinks this much? This feeling makes me feel so alone and empty, it’s pretty fucking depressing.

thought #2

Why don’t you want me? What mother doesn’t want her daughter? Do you hate me that bad to reject me? Growing up it was you that said to always put your differences aside when it comes to family because they’re all you really got. But look at us now… my attempts at trying to maintain this “mother-daughter” relationship is so fucking useless. Sometimes I’m thankful for the way I was brought up and then there are days where I just wish I didn’t exist. I try so hard, day after day, to be the strong woman I was told I’m supposed to be. I just want to say fuck it and leave everything I ever built in this life behind. I’m so tired of feeling this emptiness… this void… I just want this feeling to go away. I want to travel places and make my existence go into question. Be surrounded by people who actually want me. I always thought that family was the only thing that was constant, forever. But it’s not. You have let me down as a mother, as a friend, as a confidant. You mean nothing to me. I’m done trying to impress you. I’m done trying to maintain this fucking shitty relationship with you. I’m done pretending that I’m fucking okay. You have broken me into pieces that I will never allow you to put back together. I will be a better mother than you. I will always be there for my children and I will never make money get in-between my relationship with them. Not like you did.

June 08, 2014

I’m so thankful for you, sweets. You know this. I know I’m a little crazy (heck, who’s measuring?!) but I promise you, you’re the one who lights up my world. They say to never let anyone be your everything because then they have the power to destroy you. They say that people get close to you just to take it all away, but I’d much rather risk it all than to never have what we have. The world is a wild place, but I find peace within you. You’re my best friend, my ride or die, my love, my life time partner, my future, my peace, my happiness, my reason, my pride, my constant…. you’re simply my everything. Always and forever until forever can no longer, and then some.

xo

#cuppycake #iloveyou

June 04, 2014

Good evening, babes. I sure hope you’re having a good day.

If I were yours truly, I’d send you flowers, chocolates, etc. etc. But ya’ know, I have my own babe. Find your own!

So I’ve found a list of things you should start doing in your relationships – thus including friendships. As you go down the list, simply apply yourself.

#1 Free yourself from negative people.

Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you. Like come on, babe, life is too short to spend it with people who suck.

#2 Let go of those who are already gone.

There’s a sad truth… some people will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. So toughen up! When people walk away from you, let them go and walk the other way! Stay worthy, babe.

#3 Give people you don’t know a fair chance.

Remember that everyone has a story, they have gone through something that has changed them and forced them to grow. Trust your judgement. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Always dig inside because the outside doesn’t mean shit.

#4 Show everyone kindness and respect.

Nobody likes a bitch, so lighten up. Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those little bitches who are rude to you. People will notice your kindness and guess what? That makes you a babe times fifty-million-trillion-zillion! God yes!!

#5 Accept people just the way they are.

If you try to change someone, you will never truly know them. Love people for who they are! And if they aren’t someone who reflects you, well… #1 can give you the spill. I just want my babes to be happy, so free yourself.

#6 Forgive people and move forward.

Hate in your heart is a no-no, sweetheart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people it’s intended for. Let go of the resentment and pain, and learn from it and move on. Less hate, more love, got it!?

#7 Always be loyal.

No one likes a whore. Loyalty is everything. Speak the truth, be kind, never whisper and love with good intentions.

#8 Keep your promises and tell the truth.

All talk, no action. Don’t be that person. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Express yourself with sincerity. Don’t tell half-ass truths and expect the truth on a silver platter, you spoiled bitch. Be honest. Be trustworthy. Be truthful.

#9 Talk a little less, and listen more.

Less advice is often the best advice. Your love bugs usually just need someone to listen and reassure them that things will be okay. Let them think and breathe! Just simply be there.

#10 Leave petty arguments alone.

Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.

#finally Ignore destructive, hurtful comments.

There’s a rumor or two behind us. They might have heard it, but they don’t know what you were going through. No matter what you do, there will always be a little bitch who thinks differently. Better yourself, cross your legs and keep your head held high!

xx

enjoy sweets

June 03, 2014

Let’s be honest, I’m in love.

I love Jordan more than you can even imagine, sans that sexy uniform, or with it on. Mmm fuck, that noise those dog tags make when he fucks me. Make love to me, now.

From his dark, rough beard to his piercing eyes with eyelashes longer than any girl I know. He is perfection, from the beginning of the day to the moment he walks in the door from a long ass day. Perfect. 

What I thought I liked before, just doesn’t seem right anymore. Jordan has painted this image of perfection in my head….. and no, you cannot compete. I mean you could always try, but your efforts will never amount and they would mean nothing.

Once you’ve put yourself in this vulnerable position of falling in love, you have put yourself out there for the world to see. You were once plastic to emotions, and now you bleed it. Now I bleed it. I break down over things too small. His little quirks catch my eye every time. I might not address it, but… I just sit my ass back, stare, and think… I swear… You’re perfect… From the way you speak… words slowly rolling off your tongue, brushing your lips and being empowered by your intelligence… the way you smirk…. oh, and the way your look off to the side when you speak… you focus your eyes back into mine and quickly move them back to the side… yes… I felt that, too.. 

If you want to find out more, you’re just going to have to marry me and live happily ever after.

Lucky me. I’m made of quirks and built up emotions [with the possibility of bursting at any moment] yet you still lavish me. Nothing felt is artificial. I can feel it in my bones.

This man is just another reason to be and do better.

xx

tripped and fallen deana jane

June 02, 2014

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

xx

with all my love